Look! Up at the Mall! It's a Turd, It's a Pain! - It's SHOPPING MAN!

Faster than a speeding credit card swipe! More powerful than 5 Perfume-spraying Bitches! Able to leap over 10 shoe boxes in a single bound! 
Shopping is fun. Unless you are with SHOPPING MAN.  
Here are my Top Ten Reasons Never to Shop with a Man 

1. Shopping Man doesn't really think it's "shopping" unless he returns with a month's worth of steak, onions, garlic and generic black socks that *you* will lose in the dryer within the next 3 days anyway.  

2. Shopping Man would really rather be eating, sleeping, watching sports or having sex, or... all of the above simultaneously, than carrying your shopping bags for you. Shopping Man thinks your fitting room is a perfectly acceptable place to do all of the above.  

3. Shopping Man has interesting ideas of how you should look that are not based on any kind of reality. Why should it be up to him if you look like a nun, a slut, or a slutty nun knocking off the local 7-11 whilst blowing bubbles with bazooka gum?  I don't think so. 

 
4. Shopping Man has an annoying habit of asking the shopgirls at Bloomingdales and Anthropologie which aisle the Corona is in. It wasn't funny the first time, why would it be funny the twenty-third?  Or the seventy-eighth?

  
5. Shopping Man will eat a bag of artery clogging buttery pretzel nuggets while slurping down a chocolate shake and think you will let him touch you and/or your shopping bags. What good is Shopping Man if he can't heft your bags around? None to you.  

6. Shopping Man is clueless what the true cost of being high-maintenance for today's woman really is.  They will proudly whip out a $20 bill when it's time to pay for the Uggs. *disclaimer* Uggs are Ugly. I bought the cute ones, though. Let Shopping Man live in a pretend retail world. Leave him at home and never...NEVER... EVER .....let him see the Amex bill.  Or the paypal account you use to buy jewelry from my site www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com (shamelessplug)

7. Shopping Man likes to say "don't you have one of those already", which, ladies is by law in several states a slappable offense. Yes, you DO have one of those already. You actually have THREE of those. And your point IS? ...Shopping Man? Don't make me hurt you.  

8. Shopping Man has a crazy notion you give a super hero flying crap about how you look to him. We all dress for women and ourselves anyway so we can tell each other how cute we are all day long. The sooner Shopping Man learns that, the better.  

9. Shopping Man is color blind. Shopping Man : "Gee, I liked you better in the blue one." Shopping Woman: "Honey, that one was red". Shopping Man: "Oh. That green one, then" .Shopping Woman:  "Honey that one is purple. VERY Purple". Shopping Man. "Oh". "  (Please_.  

10. Shopping Man is scared by loud noises and will actually try to TALK  to you in Abercrombie & Fitch to calm himself down. He does not understand that stores crank the music so that women do not have to LISTEN to what men SAAAY.   

Those are the top 10 reasons. There are so very many more. Any questions?  

Of Mice and Monkeys: The Tonight Show Couch with Chris

For this week’s post, I was feeling a little curious, and okaaay -new for me- just plain lazyassed. I asked one of my favorite writers, lover of all things random, and trusted advisor who on occasion has helped me wade thru the briny rancid muck of the blogosphere- Chris Illuminati -a few really crucial questions I juuuust hadn’t gotten around to. The devilishly handsome, insanely funny and expectant father Chris Illuminati's ( @chrisilluminati ) blog can be found at www.chrisilluminati.com

SS: If you were locked in a lab with a rat and a monkey for two weeks with no chance of escape , which one would hit the bunsen burner first?

CI: I'd die. I used to be an iron heart about stuff but we got a cat about two years ago and I'm a huge softy when animals are involved now. I couldn't watch I Am Legend because I knew the dog would die. Sorry. SPOILER ALERT. I can't watch those animal commercials with Sarah Mclachlan because they kill me. She is awful. Oh right, the animals are sad too. If I had to choose though, the rat, because the monkey would have taken power by then and I'd have to listen to him. 

 

SS: What made you laugh the loudest in the past month?

C.I. The Hangover. Great movie. In my personal life, my wife cracks me up. She emailed me the other day and said that people told her that if she has a lot of heartburn the baby will be very hairy. She said if that's the case we are having an orangutan.  That killed me. 

(note to self: Braun electric razors make GREAT babyshower gifts for new moms, as well as jewelry from www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com Let the other schmucks buy the stroller) 

SS: Why do you think women were put on this Earth?

CI: Someone has to tell men what they are doing wrong. Constantly.  

SS: Does New Jersey really deserve to be a state? (why or why not)

CI: Of course it does. New Jersey gets such a raw deal and I blame MTV True Life and Judith Light. Thank god for the Real Housewives and Sopranos to tell it like it is in the Garden State.  

SS: Would you rather live in a world without books or magazines? Elaborate.

CI: Magazines. I just noticed this trend the other day with some of the magazines I read that they all do this thing where certain words are highlighted, some words are massive fonts in different colors. Some articles start on the same page another article ends. What the funk is going on in the publishing industry? Who is the Editor-in-Chief- Elmo? 

SS: Does anything embarass you and what is it?

CI: My mouth works faster than my mind and I trip over the easiest words in the English language. Usually 100 times a day. I can feel people waiting for me to finish a sentence and I can't because I'm hung up on a word like "lunch" or "tree". It's embarrassing and frustrating.  I feel like a 3rd grader during a phonics lesson. Ummm..uhhhh...lamp? 

SS: What is the best advice you can give to new writers?

CI: Don't, don't EVER give up. Let them say "no" two hundred times. It makes the yes feel like drugs. Anyone can be a success with a little talent and a ton of hard work. Hell, you can be a success with no talent and the write drive. 

SS: Where is the place you are happiest and why?

CI: If we are talking mental, that zone where you are writing and the entire world disappears. Could be minutes, could be hours. Nothing is happening around you and your mind is going "take these words and put them on the page now!" If it's a physical place, then it's home with my wife.  

SS: What one person on this planet do you think is a complete waste of space?

CI: Tough call. Like I think Perez Hilton is a waste because of how he made his name BUT I have to admire a guy who built a fortune with little talent. So, how about as a waste of space, anyone with immense talent that throws it all away. Here is an example; went to high school with a kid that had a natural talent at baseball. Born to play. Went to a huge school on a full scholarship. Came home after two months because he was "homesick". Played local, drank, did drugs and become the world's greatest pizza delivery boy. I've got no tolerance for those people. 

SS: If you had a chance to go back and do something over in your life, what would it be?

CI: In high school and college, I was lazy. I never joined groups or did anything extra-curricular except sports.  I think I was more scared of failure than really lazy but lazy sounds like a better excuse. 

SS: If you were reincarnated, what would you like to come back as?

CI: Someone interesting enough to be interviewed or the Tonight Show couch.  

SS: What kind of work would you like to do that you are not currently doing now?

CI: I want to write for a magazine at least once. Also because my parents don't understand blogging. They need something glossy with a photo on the cover. If I wasn't writing I think I'd be a teacher. I like kids and I always used to say "I'd be so much better than this boring bastard" in my high school and college courses.  

SS: If you never had to work another day in your life, what would you be doing?

CI: I'd learn to master all the things I'm terrible at now like fixing things around the house. I'd also learn how to really cook. Right now I'm average.  

SS: As an adult, what is the dumbest thing you ever said to somebody? 

CI: Oh please, I say something dumb once a day. It's a sickness. 

SS: What is your philosophy on life?

CI: Can I curse? 

SS: Duh, Yes. I swear on here. I swear alot. More than I should, perhaps, but who fucking cares? (disclaimer: my mother has no idea I have a blog...yet)

CI: If I can, my philosophy is "Fuck it". In the grand scheme of the world, nothing is that big of a deal. Time passes, things change. Don't get wrapped up in the present, it won't matter in the future.  If I can't curse, please change that fuck to screw. Thank you. 

Thank you, Chris  for being so entertaining, always helpful and not laughing at my newbie blog questions: i.e.” Duh, how do you put a hitcounter on a blog, duh huh?”

BFF Rules to Live By

Is there anything better than having a truckload of friends? I think not. Here are a few handy rules to help you make and keep the Best Friends ForEvahhhh....

BFF Rule #1 If your BFF confides that she has had a little *work done*, promptly dismiss her bandages to  other BFFs by saying she simply *got into a little tussle* at the Barneys sale

BFF Rule #2  Never dump your BFF for a man, unless he is that really hot guy from Prison Break. No... the older one. 

BFF Rule #3  If your BFF asks you if you like her new outfit, do NOT glance behind her and ask if it came with a stripper pole. 

BFF Rule #4 ALWAYS tell your BFF that is your SON. BEFORRRRE she asks him out.

BFF Rule #5  In the event your BFF decides to tell you she's had some *work done*, look surprised. (just not as surprised as her)

BFF Rule #6 Do Not say *MEOOOW* upon first meeting your BFF's Dear Husband or Boyfriend if he is younger than your BFF.

BFF Rule #7 Upon meeting BFFs DH or BF for the first time, do not say *YOWZA!*, or *HUBBA HUBBA!* Unless his name happens to BEEE Yowza or Hubba Hubba, of course.

BFF Rule #8 It's okay 2 buy the same bag as your BFF, but don't wear them when out together to avoid hearing *Hey, would you look at those two gorgeous BAGS!?* from other BFFs you encounter while out and about.

BFF Rule #9 If your BFF asks you if her ass looks fat in those pants, Do...NOT..Laugh... Before you say *NOOOO, not at ALLLLLL*.

BFF Rule #10 Always remember to bring an extra Bloomingdale's coupon for your BFF. You know how all that vodka has rotted her braincells and how she always forgets hers.

BFF Rule #11 Do not show BFF's DH or BF any tattoos that would not be seen while wearing a small bikini.

BFF Rule #12 Don't return shirt you borrowed from your BFF w/phone #s written on it, unless one belongs to that really hot guy from Prison Break. No... the older one. 

BFF Rule #13 Do not order the fries with breakfast right after your BFF tells you she gained 5 pounds that very morning in the five seconds it took to weigh herself.

BFF Rule #14 Always tell your BFF you looooove her new haircolor. Even if she now greatly resembles a Crack Ho.

BFF Rule #15 If your BFF really needs that fourth cosmo, please switch to Diet Coke yourself. You are now the Designated Taxicab Hailer. Shameless plug ! Here is my New Cosmo-NOT necklace in my Etsy shop http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=31141364

BFF Rule #16 Never tell your BFF how many calories are in that Appletini. If she asks, LIE. The correct number is 75 or 60, if there is no cherry. 

I hope this helps you make and keep many many friends. Please feel free to add to the list with your own BFF Rules. Smooches, Beotches! ; )

If I Were a Dude I’d Wanna Be Johnny Depp

Many of you have asked me about what YOU call my “Johnny Depp fixation”. I thought it was time to explain the lore behind  #whatwouldJohnnyDeppdo  -which is the phrase I often tweet on twitter and think aloud when ever I get perplexed by life’s daily dilemmas--you know, like which martini to try next at the all-you-can-drink martini buffet, which leg of my jeans I should put on first in the morning, or how to react when someone is ridiculously rude to me. This will also explain my relentless need to quote Johnny Depp. I am Him, He is Me, we are One, Ooommm, and all that shit. It’s a Zen thing. I’ve really just been quoting myself all along....

“You can feed hot dogs to the nurse sharks in the Exumas – but it’s best to not swim when doing it.” - JD

1. Johnny owns his own island and he will use it. 

In fact, I live on a small barrier island as well. Sure, there are 33,000 other people on it, none of whom can drive a car for crap. But I like to pretend like they all just work for me just so I can become one with my inner island-hopping Johnny. Especially when I see one of those golf carts driving by. #getarealcarbastard 

“If there's any message to my work, it is ultimately that it’s OK to be different, that it’s good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgment on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color.” -JD

2. Johnny doesn’t watch his own movies after making them.

A true artist isn't all that concerned with admiring the finished product, but is there to enjoy the process. I get that about Johnny and I’m exactly the same way. If I made movies and had to watch I’d be nervously twitching the whole time, thinking “Jeeesus, God! does my ass really look like that?  I’m never doing this again!”  I’d be out at the premiere bar the whole time, after having tricked my cousin to dress like me and be my seat holder. I’m sure he’s happy that people love his work. I’m thrilled that people like mine. It is very gratifying and humbling making people happy. But I don’t stare at it all day and tell myself how fabulous it is because I’m already onto creating the next necklace, painting, or pair of earrings. Shameless Plug: www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face. -JD

3. Johnny wears the same pair of boots all the time

Johnny is not afraid to be a non-fashionista. I am guilty of owning 8 different pairs of cowboy boots. I just keep buying more so people won’t think I’m a complete idiot, but basically they all look the same, and it’s about all I wear from October to May. Then I  rotate to 20 nearly identical pairs of flip flops and sandals in the spring and summer. I have friends who call and ask me what color is “in” for a certain season. I always tell them “the one that looks good on you”. But the beotches keep asking me every season anyway. This cracks me up.

4. Johnny can pee standing up

This doesn’t need much explanation. I’d be a dude. This would make a lot of things easier. I could figure out how to make fuel from carrots instead of waiting in line at the bathroom.

"It was like an endless parade of, like, 'What?!' - JD

5. Johnny has a cool sense of humor.

Ever try to talk about yourself with someone taking notes and working a recorder?  It’s almost impossible not to sound like a complete jackass. I know, I’ve done it a few times and wished I’d never opened my mouth. Johnny gives great interview.  Laughing at yourself is what makes life fun.  But we have the same sense of counterclockwise humor.

“I don't pretend to be captain weird. I just do what I do.” -JD

6. Johnny looks like THAT

 I’d love to get up, not have to put on any makeup, and look smokin’ hot. The man is beautiful. Sure, I’ve been told I didn’t exactly get hit by the ugly stick, but I ain’t all that. Johnny is all that and change. 

7. Johnny gets to be a pirate and act drunk, while maintaining a kickass work ethic

Sure, come Saturday night I usually try to do my best imitation, but the local bars no longer appreciate me swinging from the curtains and usually assign a bouncer to watch me right when I come in the door. If I was Johnny they’d just say “Oh, look, Johnny’s here. Guinness, Mr. Depp?” 

“There's a drive in me that won't allow me to do certain things that are easy- JD

8. Johnny is true to himself

Lastly, this is the quality that I find most endearing in people who can actually pull it off, particularly Johnny Depp.  Not many can. Johnny does it the best. All I can do is try. 

 

How Not to Pick Up the Hot Chick in the Convertible

"Chicks Dig Convertibles".  That’s what one of the car dealers said to me as I was shopping for my car--with a resigned sigh and a shrug.

The following is a little Labor Day Public Service gift to all of my favorite men out there, to the men I have flipped off for years, and to my posse of convertible-driving Hot Chicks.  

Fellas! Summer’s almost over. This is your last chance to pick up your local Hot Chick while her top’s still down. 

NEVER expect Hot Chick to look at you, let alone speak to you, without giving her a compelling reason to do so. Lord knows she’s way too busy sipping that latte, texting, taking two calls at once on her iphone, rummaging through her bottomless bag for a Bloomie’s coupon, tweeting at all the stop lights to tell everybody on Twitter she can’t FIND her damn Bloomie’s coupon, applying the non-sticky variety of lipgloss, (to avoid being plagued by hair sticking to her mouth while driving, texting and rummaging) deciding if her stock portfolio is overweight in tech (AAPL) and wondering why the hell her manicure only lasted two days ...again.

If you want to get Hot Chick’s attention, you had better make it good, you had better make it quick, and you had better make it creative, because lest you forget, Hot Chick drives fast. Why shouldn’t she, nobody in their right mind would ever give her a ticket. The rules:

1. DON’T Honk, DON’T Whistle, DON’T make *kissy kissy* noises.

Hot Chick will assume you are not old enough to buy her drinks, or smart enough to know the correct mixology behind her favorite Cosmo - extra lime, shaken no fewer than 12 times behind your head. Ice chips. By the way, Hot Chick never makes her own Cosmos--YOU DO.

2. DO sing. Sing Loudly, Sing Badly. Here are three of many acceptable songs to sing to Hot Chick: You’re Beautiful http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztc4V3ttlso, You are so Beautiful http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlDmslyGmGI , And the song from Top Gun http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTvU3BELZEo&feature=related . I say to sing badly because if you don’t, Hot Chick will assume you do this all the time. Hot Chick can spot a Player from a very great distance. Pick an easy song so you don't screw it up.

3. DON’T ask "where’s the beach?"  unless you happen to be absolutely nowhere near a beach. Even then, you must have a large map draped over your steering wheel for this to be most effective. Hot Chick likes to be helpful because she thinks she knows everything.

4. DO throw that box of Godiva and Sueanne Shirzay Artisan earrings you bought for your Mom into her car with your business card attached. Remove note to Mom saying you hoped her liposuction was a great success.  http://www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com

5. DON’T talk THROUGH the mom in the minivan driving in the lane between you who has her windows open. 

This is not  GOLF, you cannot PLAY THROUGH to get to Hot Chick. 

6. DON’T tell her "her hair matches the leather upholstery".

It DOES, of course, but Hot Chick doesn’t care what you think of her hair. If she cared anything about her hair, she wouldn’t be driving a goddamn convertible in the first place.

7. DO wrap your business card in paper, make a plane out of it and throw it into Hot Chick’s  car. 

Hot Chick may assume you own a private jet, but you can clear that up later.

8. DON’T say *nice car* and DON’T ask *what year the car is*

She already knows it’s a nice car and doesn’t give a damn what year it is. 

9. DO ask her for directions, but only to the local spa because *You Need a Day of Beauty*

10. DON’T block Hot Chick from getting out of her parking spot.

Hot Chick has 911 programmed into her iphone, (under the contact name ASSHOLE), and she WILL use it. Plus every cop in town knows her, even though they have never actually spoken. You really don’t want to meet them today, do you?

11. DO Take off your T shirt, attach it to a golf club, and wave it at her as a gesture of surrender. ONLY do this if you happen to be wearing a white t shirt and have seen the inside of a gym regularly for the last 6 months or more.

12. DON’T ask her if she's married or seeing anyone.

Hot Chick, even if ultimately unavailable for you, knows two dozen or more Hot Chicks who ARE available. Some are even hotter than she is. Hot Chick is a gifted matchmaker.

13. DO make a small sign with a large heart on it , with the word LUNCH, NOW? written inside the heart. Show credit card so Hot Chick knows you don’t mean Mcdonald's. And smile. This works especially well on Valentine’s Day. PIE? may be substituted for LUNCH, NOW? only if there is a really great PIE STORE around. 

14. DON’T ask her if her Daddy bought the car for her

Hot Chick went to college, and her I.Q. makes yours like an effing Mets game score. She didn’t get to be a Hot Chick by being stupid. (note to self for next blog: why baseball is stupid)

15. DO throw your wallet into Hot Chick’s car. 

No, Hot Chick doesn’t need your money, as she already makes more than you. But nothing says I GIVE THE EFF UP, better than this. If said wallet contains any velcro though, it will promptly be thrown over her shoulder into the nearest storm sewer. So make sure it’s a nice one if you expect her to stop the car and return it to you.

16. DON’T say "Here Comes Trouble".

It’s just tacky to call Hot Chick by her middle name before you have been properly introduced. So don’t do it.

Good luck to you all. A BIG thank you to my talented photographer friend @shelibilavender on Twitter for a conversation we had that inspired to me to write this post, (LOL see #5) Her webiste: http://photographyaffairs.com/ and all of my other convertible-driving Hot Chick posse. There are too many to name, I love you all. Mwah!

My Love Affair. With Pie.

I Love Pie.

Blueberry, Cherry, Coconut Cream, Key Lime, Strawberry, Apple, Pecan, Banana Cream, Lemon Meringue, Mincemeat, Pumpkin, Italian Cream Cheese, and, yes...even Chicken Pot. 

If in fact, the world ended tonight and there was nothing else but me and pie left in the world, sitting on the roof of my house, waiting for a chopper that never arrived, I would be perfectly okay with that...as long as I had access to pie.  I know that sounds selfish. What about your kids? What about your Husband? Your Mom? Your Dad? Coconut, your dog? (named after pie) You can’t kiss a pie goodnight, Sueanne. Uh, yes, yes you can. At least I’d have pie. And over the years my family has come to accept and understand this.

My hot steamy love affair with pie started when I was a little girl. My grandma on my mom’s side was a wonderful southern lady. When ever we’all visited she’d have at least 5-6 different kinds of desserts waiting for us--sometimes more--and and least three of those would be pie. She did coconut cream, cherry, banana cream, and lemon meringue the best. You name it, she could bake anything, and she was amazing.  

My mother took after her and in fact got an undergrad AND graduate degree in Home Ec. Not only can she sew like Giorgio Armani, she is like the Martha Stewart of Muncie, Indiana when it comes to the kitchen. She has every kitchen gadget you can imagine. She makes my father birthday pie. Not birthday cake. That’s how good her pie is.

As I was the only daughter, pie, cake, and cookie baking fell into my lap at an early age. I knew what a pastry cutter was when the other girls were still fighting over which Barbie Ken would shag that night at the Dreamhouse. So I had a lot of practice when I went out in the world. There are many things you can do in life if you can knock out a variety of tasty pies.

Then it happened. 

I married outside of my faith. That’s right. I married a cake eater. And gave birth to three more cake eaters. I know. How did this happen? Is this because I wouldn’t let that really annoying girl sit at my lunch table in 7th grade? Because I already said I’m sorry. I’M SORRY!!!  I soon realized that too many pies would go to my thighs. So I stopped baking pies.

This was all okay because If I looked really hard, I could find good pies at a bakery. But they mostly sucked. Then one day I stopped at a farmstand in upstate NY and... lo and behold, what did I see? --- A cherry blueberry pie homemade by Me-Oh-My Pies. The sun came out from behind a cloud. I could hear the sound of angels singing. I didn’t care about the $13 price on the pie. I grabbed it and never looked back.

This sucker was almost as good as Grandma’s. Knock wood, throwing salt over shoulder. For three years I’ve always bought those pies whenever I drive upstate. 

Unfortunately, the last time I stopped at the farmstand, there were exactly ZERO pies. I’m told the baker now has Lyme Disease. It’s common up there. I pray for her speedy recovery. Every day. Twice a day.

Until then, could somebody hook me up with some kick-ass pie? 

#WTFHappened CSI Interstate 87. Jewelry Giveaway Contest

#WTFHappened? CSI Interstate 87. My first Jewelry Giveway Contest.

Driving back downstate from the Catskill mountains, as I often do, you’re bound to see many things. Deer crossing the road. Deer who didn’t cross the road ON the road. Puke in the backseat of the car if you get stuck in stop and go. Lots of pick ‘em up trucks. Ski racks with kids tied to them.

My 15 year old son and I have the exact same sense of warped humor. We have this odd way of saying the same random punchline at the same time. We just think the same things are stupid. I’m not sure if he has a woman’s brain in his head or if I have the brain of a 15 year old boy. I try not to think about it.

Fact is, we both started laughing like two drunk VIPs at a redneck tour show when we saw this minivan next to us. We didn’t just see it for a minute. We were stuck in traffic on 87 for 2 hours. It stalked us. And we just kept laughing. Because..look..that’s just some weird-ass mud splatter pattern you have there. This van was perfectly clean in the back. The whole front was an insult to OCD-you’re-not-eating-THAT-in my-car van driving mommies everywhere. It was thick and it was strange. We saw somebody else taking pictures of it too. Which made us laugh even longer. At least we were classy enough to keep the camera INSIDE the car.

Have some fun with me. Tell me what happened to this Honda Odyssey, license plate beginning in XXL (not kidding) and ending in 8. Tweet it @sueannesjewelry and please use the hashtag #WTFhappened so I can keep track. No dms please. 

The most random and creative answer will win a $50 gift certificate for my jewelry. Winner will be announced Tuesday Morning. Two entries per person is cool.

And if the person comes forward who was driving that van, they get a $50 G.C. too. Virginia Plates.

You have 36 hours.... Get out your swabs and black light and GO!

And the winners are....Miss Shelbi Lavender @Shelbilavender:

There was a mud wrestling contest happening that night.  Tons of people all around and up struts this cupcake fat girl, she just wanted a chance to play.  Well the skinny hot mud wrestlers wouldn't have that so a fight broke out.  Fat cupcake chick was tossin skinnys all over the place then more skinnys started comin.  Cupcake fat chick was losing steam she had to get away, she started running.  The skinny chicks knew they couldn't take her down so one of the skinnys got in her honda minivan and before fat girl knew what was coming SPLAT!  She hit the minivan and dropped like a fly.  

Skinnys tied her up and sat on her while eating cupcakes!  it was sweet!

ANDDDDDD.

Runner up: @beerisgoodfood   :   

Never park next to the Immodium tour bus.

Since nobody came forward as the owner of the fabulous minivan, I decided to give out 2 $50 gift certificates. 

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! And thanks to everybody for playing.