Guitar Boy Rocks On

Guitar Boy finally passed Algebra.

My darling boy just turned 16. I know...16!  Yes, I was a child bride. In some states you CAN get married at 11. Shut up. Anyway, for a present I got a call from his Geometry teacher to tell me the good news. After three tries, he finally passed Algebra. I'm so glad that lip gloss comes off iPhones easily. 

He took the course as a freshman all last year. We even paid big bucks for a tutor. Did he pass? No. "Don't worry", the guidance counselor said. "Guitar Boy is Bright". "I know", I said. "Everybody passes summer school Algebra", she said. "What if he doesn't" I asked. "Don't worry" She replied. He failed. So he took night school. Got home around 8:00 three nights a week for two months. His other work did suffer a little bit. Now we have to work on THAT. 

He just barely passed, but I will be smiling for a week. Maybe more. Julia Roberts smile. Big Fucking smile. 

True, Guitar Boy is obsessed with his guitar and would much rather play heavy metal than study or do homework. The great thing is that he loves it and he happens to be really good at it. When I tell people this they kinda tilt their heads to one side and smile. Some make comments about him not being able to make a living. "But no", I say, he's REALLY good. His teacher said he had nothing left to teach him by the time he was 14. His band came in second among some stiff competition in his first time at Battle of the Bands when he was a freshman. He plays the occasional gig. He writes, composes, records and plays his own music. He's gifted.

He even has groupies. So far they are behaving. And it's fun to hear them say with a big smile "You're Guitar Boy's MOTHER??" And see them bat their eyelashes. 

Is sucking at Algebra a genetic trait? Because I'm quite sure I never got better than a C, and I did really well in my other classes. Can we just isolate the "Algebra Suck Gene" and just let those of us who can't do it stick with basic math? I've certainly never used it it my life. And it's hard to lie to his face and tell him it's important when I know it's not. 

I love that my boy is creative like his mother. You never expect when you give birth to a boy that he could be so much like you, but Guitar Boy is. I was always encouraged to do the things I was best at, and they have all been in creative fields. Let's face it, accountants, doctors and lawyers don't make good art directors, writers, painters and jewelry designers. And I won't enforce a double standard on him. So many parents think it's fine if their girls are creative and choose creative careers, but for some reason they expect their boys to slave away at something they can't stand doing for a living. 

So, Rock on, Guitar Boy. I love you. 

It's None of My Boobness

I'm tired of women using their boobs to draw attention to themselves. I recently unfollowed two women whom I followed peacefully on Twitter without incident until they decided they needed to change their avatars to boob shots. Just boobs. Boobs in a tight shirt. No face. Juuuust the boobs.

What is THAAAT? I DMed one of my BFFs. Who needs attention that much? It's not like they're hookers. I don't follow hookers. It's exasperating. I think she told me "I know, I saw that- just unfollow the whores". So I did. 

Oh, and before you think this is some flat-chested non-boober going on a jealous rant, think again. I'm stacked. Always have been, always will be. Lots of women are, sometimes over-stacked. In fact, I'm writing a post for my new style blog www.doesthislookgoodonme.wordpress.com which will probably be entitled "What About My Boobs?" because I got some input about a recent post. Women need advice on how to dress around their boobs and work the jewelry with them. I'm on it. And I have no problem with this. I'm sure it can be done tastefully.

But unless you're a plastic surgeon? Give us all a break? If you're not for sale? Have a little class and self-respect. Put away the boobs. I already know what they look like. And I don't need four. 

Addendum: "What about my Boobs?" post is now live at  http://doesthislookgoodonme.wordpress.com/

10 Things You Can Say To Your 13-Year-Old Girl Without Receiving the Death Stare.

I remember being thirteen. And now... now I am living with that version of myself since September. It's scary. I'm here to help others who are in my predicament. Here. Are. Ten things you can say to your thirteen-year-old daughter without receiving the "go to Hell, Mom", death glare. This is all I have. If you think of any more, please let me know. 

1. Sure honey. You can take the credit card to the Mall. The one with no limit.

2. Of course we like your boyfriend. 

3. Can you ever really have too many safety pins in an outfit?

4. Yes, you may re-pierce your ears for the fourth time. 

5. No, there really is no reason to see the floor of your bedroom.

6. That's ok. Your hair is more important than being on time for school

7. That outfit is so creative. I love it.

8. Something that she can't hear because her ipod is too loud.

9. Yes. All nine of your friends can come over. 

10. Like, oh, my God? You're so right? 

Cleaver Madness

Holidays are tough for everyone . Sometimes it helps to let off a little steam when staring down the barrel of a ...gun I like to call "a visit from my parents", Ward and June. For those of you too young to get the reference-- these were the superstraight parents in the 50's show Leave it to Beaver. Hell no, I wasn't born in the fifties, but they ran reruns of that show forever. And, when you only have 8 channels to watch on TV as a kid, you'll watch just about anything. including fly fishing and Leave it To Beaver. 

I was hanging out Cleaver bashing with a couple of my Twitter friends, including the hysterical @croneandbearit and, well.. this is what happened. 

Disclaimer *no actual patrents were Cleavered in the ensuing tweets. 

@sueannesjewelry  Factoid: 4:00 is NOT too early to start drinking when June and Ward are visiting

@Croneandbearit: Make them Cleaverinis

@sueannejewelry ROTFL

@DietCokeLuvah : Cheers

@TheShoeDawg Wally, Beav, Eddie...it's happy hour 

@yaslani   Cosign that. I started 1hr ago

@heavywhisper  Ha! Hilarious. I think I know them

@Croneandbearit  u started my coughing fit w/June & Ward. I'm in hysterics over here. 

Croneandbearit   I'm goin' after some gin and goldfish; leave a tray and the Cleavers can fix their own...lol

@sueannesjewelry If June and Ward had a daughter, what would her name be?

@Croneandbearit Leaver

@Croneandbearit if she drinks it might be Heaver 

@sueannesjewelry wiping tears

@sueannesjewelry If she was slutty, *the skeeve* ?

@Croneandbearit don't start, I just lost a lung a moment ago

@Croneandbearit   Catch her at the window...*the peeve* #Cleaversdaughter

@sueannesjewelry bad day at the hair salon *the Weave* 

@Croneandbearit   If she wears hair extension from Jessica Simpson collection...*the weave* #Cleaversdaughter 

Croneandbearit    Yikes we are thinking too much alike there girl!

@sueannesjewelry  OH MY GAH! We had the same thought. #upyourmeds #now

Croneandbearit   If they always have to go get her...*Retrieve* #Cleaversdaughter 

@sueannesjewelry  Or.. If she dates dogs 

@sueannesjewelry  If she got busted for murder? *HideThe* #Cleaversdaughter 

@Croneandbearit  You're killin me #ineedmorebooze

@Croneandbearit   If she gets that stay of execution...*Reprieve* #Cleaversdaughter 

@sueannesjewelry   If not.. *Grieve*

@sueannesjewelry What if she IS a dog.. *Retriever* #Cleaversdaughter 

@sueannesjewelry   If she's a blonde, add *Golden* 

@Chasaveen: If she cheated on her spouse the Deceiver? 

@Croneandbearit   If she tp's the house *Mischiever* #Cleaversdaughter 

@Chasaveen If she loves The Monkees, *Imabeliever*? 

@Croneandbearit   wait if Kiefer Sutherland married into the family would he be Kiefer Cleaver?

@sueannesjewelry  *clapping hand to mouth*

@Chasaveen  If she gets Swine Flu *Fever* 

@Croneandbearit crosses legs to keep from peeing

@sueannesjewelry   (or.. If she's HOT! ) 

@Croneandbearit If she moves to Canada, *Beaver Minor* 

@sueannesjewelry Screech!!! A Canada joke! Helllppp! 

@sueannesjewelry  If she looks like Frankenstein, *pullthelever* #Cleaversdaughter

@sueannesjewelry if she's a carnivore *Meat* #Cleaversdaughter

@Croneandbearit  Heee hee hee 

@Croneandbearit   if she's a pothead.*Reefer* #Cleaversdaughter 

@Croneandbearit    if Morley Safer's daughter married the Beav, would she be Mrs. Beaver Safer-Cleaver?

Happy Holidays! Linda's @croneandbearit blog can be found here : http://croneandbearit.wordpress.com/

The Seven Deadly DM Sins

Twitter Sinners! Are you heading straight to Twitter haaiil in a DM handbasket? It's not too late to pull your shit together! Here are the Seven Deadly DM Sins:

Lust: Try not to say anything in a DM that you wouldn't actually say to someone's face. Note: If it wouldn't make a nun blush it's best to say it in public on the timeline. That said, over-doing it is a quick and easy way to get blocked. I said blush, not call 911. 

Gluttony: It's best to talk about pie and the best french onion soup you ever had in public. We can allll tell when you're not sharing. But you CAN show us a picture of the $700 Kooba bag your husband is not supposed to know about. That's cool. Wink.

Sloth: Jesus... would you put a clean shirt on? Don't make your public comments so obscure we have no idea what you are talking about. Clarify what you meant by your mysterious @ reply on the timeline in DM when asked... WHAT THE HELL DID THAT MEAN? 

Wrath: Oh...could you just be nice in your DMs... or F*ck off? That being said, it's perfectly acceptable for texting. : ) 

Greed: If we don't know you, why would we want to be in your mafia family or look at your potentially hacked sales link? Don't sell us unless you already know we want what you have. Make friends before sales. Shameless Plug: www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com : my artisan jewelry site. 

Anger: telling somebody to f*ck off more than twice in a single DM is waaay over the top. Twice per 140 is the limit. And say it with a smile. : ) 

Pride: If you are lost, and you think we have the answer, (I usually do, DUH) ask for help in a DM. We are all helpful here. Just don't ask me personally to help you find your way out of the Mall. This I cannot do. 

Thank you to my friends @JesusWife and @DebbieDee5 for inspiring me to write this little DM Directory,  Love you guys. : ) 

Top Ten Reasons No Self-Respecting Bitch Will Follow You On Twitter

1. You tweet about your favorite sexual positions, you're a woman, and you teach first grade in my child's school.

2. Your avatar looks like it could actually chop up my avatar and put it in little plastic baggies all over New York.

3. You have proclaimed yourself God of Twitter, you never engage and you just spit out boring information all day, usually about yourself, how white your teeth are, or how much money you made in the last 15 minutes.

4. You tweet like all you want out of Twitter is to get laid. And you provide reports for the rest of us. Which you expect us to grade. By 4:00 Friday each week. With highlighter. Pink. 

5. You're @KanyeWest 

6. You tweet only Zig Ziglar quotes and you are nooo freakin' relation to Zig Ziglar. *disclaimer* Nobody should be related to Zig Ziglar, and if you are, get the Hell off Twitter, please?

7. You spew out political beliefs that are so nuts they actually make me laugh, or throw things at my monitor. You argue with those who are way smarter with you. Most of the people you argue with can actually spell. Unlike you. 

8. You are trying to convert me into your cult-- law of subtraction, addition, multiplication or  whatever the fuck that is.

9. You look like 3 of my ex-boyfriends. The ones who wanted to get married. 

10. You put hearts, flowers and ping pong matches within your tweets. This causes gastrointestinal distress. Stop it. I can't type if I'm puking. And I can't puke if I'm typing. 

Top Ten Reasons Not To Give a Flying F*ck About 620 Calories

This... is a Pecan Roll From Au Bon Pain. That's French for "Oh, My GODDDD!" 

1. 620 calories never cared about you, did they, Huh, HUH? Well, DID THEY? 

2. You can't see your thighs if you Just..don't..look...down.

3. They won't help you find your ipod headphones

4. They won't help you stop breaking wine glasses in the sink 

5. If you didn't support the sugar industry the people in the Dominican Republic would have slightly worse living conditions. You just helped somebody patch their rusted tin roof. Philanthropy is Good.

6. There has to be justification for you to have a treadmill in the basement. Other than hanging bras on.

7. If you cut them into four they are only a measly 155 calories. 

8. ...and you can lie and say the dog ate the other 465 calories 

9. There are nuts involved. Nuts are healthy, Dammit.

10. 620 calories is Waaaay freakin' less calories than eating an entire pie. #ilikepie