The Seven Deadly DM Sins

Twitter Sinners! Are you heading straight to Twitter haaiil in a DM handbasket? It's not too late to pull your shit together! Here are the Seven Deadly DM Sins:

Lust: Try not to say anything in a DM that you wouldn't actually say to someone's face. Note: If it wouldn't make a nun blush it's best to say it in public on the timeline. That said, over-doing it is a quick and easy way to get blocked. I said blush, not call 911. 

Gluttony: It's best to talk about pie and the best french onion soup you ever had in public. We can allll tell when you're not sharing. But you CAN show us a picture of the $700 Kooba bag your husband is not supposed to know about. That's cool. Wink.

Sloth: Jesus... would you put a clean shirt on? Don't make your public comments so obscure we have no idea what you are talking about. Clarify what you meant by your mysterious @ reply on the timeline in DM when asked... WHAT THE HELL DID THAT MEAN? 

Wrath: Oh...could you just be nice in your DMs... or F*ck off? That being said, it's perfectly acceptable for texting. : ) 

Greed: If we don't know you, why would we want to be in your mafia family or look at your potentially hacked sales link? Don't sell us unless you already know we want what you have. Make friends before sales. Shameless Plug: www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com : my artisan jewelry site. 

Anger: telling somebody to f*ck off more than twice in a single DM is waaay over the top. Twice per 140 is the limit. And say it with a smile. : ) 

Pride: If you are lost, and you think we have the answer, (I usually do, DUH) ask for help in a DM. We are all helpful here. Just don't ask me personally to help you find your way out of the Mall. This I cannot do. 

Thank you to my friends @JesusWife and @DebbieDee5 for inspiring me to write this little DM Directory,  Love you guys. : ) 

Top Ten Reasons No Self-Respecting Bitch Will Follow You On Twitter

1. You tweet about your favorite sexual positions, you're a woman, and you teach first grade in my child's school.

2. Your avatar looks like it could actually chop up my avatar and put it in little plastic baggies all over New York.

3. You have proclaimed yourself God of Twitter, you never engage and you just spit out boring information all day, usually about yourself, how white your teeth are, or how much money you made in the last 15 minutes.

4. You tweet like all you want out of Twitter is to get laid. And you provide reports for the rest of us. Which you expect us to grade. By 4:00 Friday each week. With highlighter. Pink. 

5. You're @KanyeWest 

6. You tweet only Zig Ziglar quotes and you are nooo freakin' relation to Zig Ziglar. *disclaimer* Nobody should be related to Zig Ziglar, and if you are, get the Hell off Twitter, please?

7. You spew out political beliefs that are so nuts they actually make me laugh, or throw things at my monitor. You argue with those who are way smarter with you. Most of the people you argue with can actually spell. Unlike you. 

8. You are trying to convert me into your cult-- law of subtraction, addition, multiplication or  whatever the fuck that is.

9. You look like 3 of my ex-boyfriends. The ones who wanted to get married. 

10. You put hearts, flowers and ping pong matches within your tweets. This causes gastrointestinal distress. Stop it. I can't type if I'm puking. And I can't puke if I'm typing. 

Top Ten Reasons Not To Give a Flying F*ck About 620 Calories

This... is a Pecan Roll From Au Bon Pain. That's French for "Oh, My GODDDD!" 

1. 620 calories never cared about you, did they, Huh, HUH? Well, DID THEY? 

2. You can't see your thighs if you Just..don't..look...down.

3. They won't help you find your ipod headphones

4. They won't help you stop breaking wine glasses in the sink 

5. If you didn't support the sugar industry the people in the Dominican Republic would have slightly worse living conditions. You just helped somebody patch their rusted tin roof. Philanthropy is Good.

6. There has to be justification for you to have a treadmill in the basement. Other than hanging bras on.

7. If you cut them into four they are only a measly 155 calories. 

8. ...and you can lie and say the dog ate the other 465 calories 

9. There are nuts involved. Nuts are healthy, Dammit.

10. 620 calories is Waaaay freakin' less calories than eating an entire pie. #ilikepie 

Coffee Tawk

I Found God

At the bottom of my coffee pot

Where the grounds lay mocking me

All Alone

Chewing my last bubblegum

I said "Where you been?" 

He said "Ask anything"

(to the tune of the Fray's "You Found Me" )

I recently took a little survey among my *eyeroll* legions and legions of twitter friends. "Would you rather live in a world without coffee or chocolate? " I just love asking stupid and annoying questions. If for no other reason than the stupid and annoying responses I get are easily TWICE as stupid and annoying as the original question posed. 
As I already made myself a cup this morning and--true to form--lost it somewhere in the house before it was even cool enough to drink, I thought it would be a good time to, well, talk caffeine.

I happen to be married to a tea drinker, for starters. Yeah, I know what you're thinking- "Jesus, God, Sueanne, not only did you marry someone who doesn't like PIE, #ilovepie but he won't even drink COFFEE?! How did this happen??!! I know, I know and... no, he won't drink coffee unless it just happens to taste like tea. Opposites attract. #gofigure . He has many other redeeming qualities. I digress. So... when I make a pot of coffee, guess what? I'll be drinking alone again. 

This drinking an entire pot of coffee business really can't be healthy, but that didn't stop me from ordering coffee from my friend @suesshirtshop http://twitter.com/suesshirtshop on Twitter, which gets delivered in handy single pot servings every other month. It's called Javafit, and no, nobody's paying me to rant about them. Here's the deal though. This coffee has vitamins in it. And antioxidants, energy boosters other than the caffeine, and all that other crap that Oprah always says is so good for you. How cool is that shit, I ask you. It's very cool. Guilt free. And it tastes really good. 

As far as my survey went, not surprisingly, most of the women who answered would absolutely not give up their chocolate. A few shrieked at me for making them choose. Guess what? I WOULD NOT GIVE UP COFFEE. Only one guy said he'd take the chocolate over coffee, but frankly, he's crazy anyway and probably just said that to goad me and get slapped around. 

That's all I have for now. I REALLY need to find my coffee cup. Can't make the jewelry without it.http://www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch.

As I stated in my post from 7/19 , *Nurturing Your Inner Bitch* Being bitchy is a very positive character attribute and I would encourage more men and women to rejoice in their bitchiness. 

I am teaming up with Bitchogram, a service that allows you to anonymously text and email bitchy remarks (though, frankly, I sign mine) -> see ad to the right , because I think it’s a hilariously good fit for me and of course, part of the proceeds will benefit my love for jewelrymaking, www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com and keep me knee deep in pie. #ilovepie

The following are a short list of suggested Bitchograms, culled from a variety of sources, because, let’s face it, some of you are just too damn nice for your own good and you seriously need my help. 

Bitchograms to Boys from Girls:

* I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

* Don't think of it as losing, think of it as getting beat by a girl

* I'm not a tease, I’m just a reminder of what you can't have 

* It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt 

* It takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend my middle finger and tell you to bite me. 

* Everyone’s entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the privilege

* How about never? Is never good for you?

* Click your heels and say "I NEED A LIFE, I NEED A LIFE"

* I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

 Bitchograms to Girls from either Girls or Boys : 

* Good friends will help you move. REALLY good friends will help you move bodies." 

* I am NOT a Bitch, I only play one on Twitter

* I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

* When I’m faced with a difficult task, pass it on to a lazy person like you and you’ll figure out an easier way to accomplish it. 

* A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be in the next cell saying "that was fucking awesome!” 

* Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 

* Roses are red violets are blue 

sugar is sweet and so are you, 

but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead 

the sugar bowls empty and so is your head 

* Your friends are worth more than you think--$5.99 at least

* Kirstie Alley called. She wants her ass back. Meet me at the Gym at 7 a.m.

That’s it. You’re Welcome. If any of you are interested in adding Bitchogram to your own blog/website please leave your info with me at shirzaygallery@aol.com. 

Look! Up at the Mall! It's a Turd, It's a Pain! - It's SHOPPING MAN!

Faster than a speeding credit card swipe! More powerful than 5 Perfume-spraying Bitches! Able to leap over 10 shoe boxes in a single bound! 
Shopping is fun. Unless you are with SHOPPING MAN.  
Here are my Top Ten Reasons Never to Shop with a Man 

1. Shopping Man doesn't really think it's "shopping" unless he returns with a month's worth of steak, onions, garlic and generic black socks that *you* will lose in the dryer within the next 3 days anyway.  

2. Shopping Man would really rather be eating, sleeping, watching sports or having sex, or... all of the above simultaneously, than carrying your shopping bags for you. Shopping Man thinks your fitting room is a perfectly acceptable place to do all of the above.  

3. Shopping Man has interesting ideas of how you should look that are not based on any kind of reality. Why should it be up to him if you look like a nun, a slut, or a slutty nun knocking off the local 7-11 whilst blowing bubbles with bazooka gum?  I don't think so. 

 
4. Shopping Man has an annoying habit of asking the shopgirls at Bloomingdales and Anthropologie which aisle the Corona is in. It wasn't funny the first time, why would it be funny the twenty-third?  Or the seventy-eighth?

  
5. Shopping Man will eat a bag of artery clogging buttery pretzel nuggets while slurping down a chocolate shake and think you will let him touch you and/or your shopping bags. What good is Shopping Man if he can't heft your bags around? None to you.  

6. Shopping Man is clueless what the true cost of being high-maintenance for today's woman really is.  They will proudly whip out a $20 bill when it's time to pay for the Uggs. *disclaimer* Uggs are Ugly. I bought the cute ones, though. Let Shopping Man live in a pretend retail world. Leave him at home and never...NEVER... EVER .....let him see the Amex bill.  Or the paypal account you use to buy jewelry from my site www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com (shamelessplug)

7. Shopping Man likes to say "don't you have one of those already", which, ladies is by law in several states a slappable offense. Yes, you DO have one of those already. You actually have THREE of those. And your point IS? ...Shopping Man? Don't make me hurt you.  

8. Shopping Man has a crazy notion you give a super hero flying crap about how you look to him. We all dress for women and ourselves anyway so we can tell each other how cute we are all day long. The sooner Shopping Man learns that, the better.  

9. Shopping Man is color blind. Shopping Man : "Gee, I liked you better in the blue one." Shopping Woman: "Honey, that one was red". Shopping Man: "Oh. That green one, then" .Shopping Woman:  "Honey that one is purple. VERY Purple". Shopping Man. "Oh". "  (Please_.  

10. Shopping Man is scared by loud noises and will actually try to TALK  to you in Abercrombie & Fitch to calm himself down. He does not understand that stores crank the music so that women do not have to LISTEN to what men SAAAY.   

Those are the top 10 reasons. There are so very many more. Any questions?  

Of Mice and Monkeys: The Tonight Show Couch with Chris

For this week’s post, I was feeling a little curious, and okaaay -new for me- just plain lazyassed. I asked one of my favorite writers, lover of all things random, and trusted advisor who on occasion has helped me wade thru the briny rancid muck of the blogosphere- Chris Illuminati -a few really crucial questions I juuuust hadn’t gotten around to. The devilishly handsome, insanely funny and expectant father Chris Illuminati's ( @chrisilluminati ) blog can be found at www.chrisilluminati.com

SS: If you were locked in a lab with a rat and a monkey for two weeks with no chance of escape , which one would hit the bunsen burner first?

CI: I'd die. I used to be an iron heart about stuff but we got a cat about two years ago and I'm a huge softy when animals are involved now. I couldn't watch I Am Legend because I knew the dog would die. Sorry. SPOILER ALERT. I can't watch those animal commercials with Sarah Mclachlan because they kill me. She is awful. Oh right, the animals are sad too. If I had to choose though, the rat, because the monkey would have taken power by then and I'd have to listen to him. 

 

SS: What made you laugh the loudest in the past month?

C.I. The Hangover. Great movie. In my personal life, my wife cracks me up. She emailed me the other day and said that people told her that if she has a lot of heartburn the baby will be very hairy. She said if that's the case we are having an orangutan.  That killed me. 

(note to self: Braun electric razors make GREAT babyshower gifts for new moms, as well as jewelry from www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com Let the other schmucks buy the stroller) 

SS: Why do you think women were put on this Earth?

CI: Someone has to tell men what they are doing wrong. Constantly.  

SS: Does New Jersey really deserve to be a state? (why or why not)

CI: Of course it does. New Jersey gets such a raw deal and I blame MTV True Life and Judith Light. Thank god for the Real Housewives and Sopranos to tell it like it is in the Garden State.  

SS: Would you rather live in a world without books or magazines? Elaborate.

CI: Magazines. I just noticed this trend the other day with some of the magazines I read that they all do this thing where certain words are highlighted, some words are massive fonts in different colors. Some articles start on the same page another article ends. What the funk is going on in the publishing industry? Who is the Editor-in-Chief- Elmo? 

SS: Does anything embarass you and what is it?

CI: My mouth works faster than my mind and I trip over the easiest words in the English language. Usually 100 times a day. I can feel people waiting for me to finish a sentence and I can't because I'm hung up on a word like "lunch" or "tree". It's embarrassing and frustrating.  I feel like a 3rd grader during a phonics lesson. Ummm..uhhhh...lamp? 

SS: What is the best advice you can give to new writers?

CI: Don't, don't EVER give up. Let them say "no" two hundred times. It makes the yes feel like drugs. Anyone can be a success with a little talent and a ton of hard work. Hell, you can be a success with no talent and the write drive. 

SS: Where is the place you are happiest and why?

CI: If we are talking mental, that zone where you are writing and the entire world disappears. Could be minutes, could be hours. Nothing is happening around you and your mind is going "take these words and put them on the page now!" If it's a physical place, then it's home with my wife.  

SS: What one person on this planet do you think is a complete waste of space?

CI: Tough call. Like I think Perez Hilton is a waste because of how he made his name BUT I have to admire a guy who built a fortune with little talent. So, how about as a waste of space, anyone with immense talent that throws it all away. Here is an example; went to high school with a kid that had a natural talent at baseball. Born to play. Went to a huge school on a full scholarship. Came home after two months because he was "homesick". Played local, drank, did drugs and become the world's greatest pizza delivery boy. I've got no tolerance for those people. 

SS: If you had a chance to go back and do something over in your life, what would it be?

CI: In high school and college, I was lazy. I never joined groups or did anything extra-curricular except sports.  I think I was more scared of failure than really lazy but lazy sounds like a better excuse. 

SS: If you were reincarnated, what would you like to come back as?

CI: Someone interesting enough to be interviewed or the Tonight Show couch.  

SS: What kind of work would you like to do that you are not currently doing now?

CI: I want to write for a magazine at least once. Also because my parents don't understand blogging. They need something glossy with a photo on the cover. If I wasn't writing I think I'd be a teacher. I like kids and I always used to say "I'd be so much better than this boring bastard" in my high school and college courses.  

SS: If you never had to work another day in your life, what would you be doing?

CI: I'd learn to master all the things I'm terrible at now like fixing things around the house. I'd also learn how to really cook. Right now I'm average.  

SS: As an adult, what is the dumbest thing you ever said to somebody? 

CI: Oh please, I say something dumb once a day. It's a sickness. 

SS: What is your philosophy on life?

CI: Can I curse? 

SS: Duh, Yes. I swear on here. I swear alot. More than I should, perhaps, but who fucking cares? (disclaimer: my mother has no idea I have a blog...yet)

CI: If I can, my philosophy is "Fuck it". In the grand scheme of the world, nothing is that big of a deal. Time passes, things change. Don't get wrapped up in the present, it won't matter in the future.  If I can't curse, please change that fuck to screw. Thank you. 

Thank you, Chris  for being so entertaining, always helpful and not laughing at my newbie blog questions: i.e.” Duh, how do you put a hitcounter on a blog, duh huh?”