Wednesday, September 2, 2009

How Not to Pick Up the Hot Chick in the Convertible

"Chicks Dig Convertibles".  That’s what one of the car dealers said to me as I was shopping for my car--with a resigned sigh and a shrug.

The following is a little Labor Day Public Service gift to all of my favorite men out there, to the men I have flipped off for years, and to my posse of convertible-driving Hot Chicks.  

Fellas! Summer’s almost over. This is your last chance to pick up your local Hot Chick while her top’s still down. 

NEVER expect Hot Chick to look at you, let alone speak to you, without giving her a compelling reason to do so. Lord knows she’s way too busy sipping that latte, texting, taking two calls at once on her iphone, rummaging through her bottomless bag for a Bloomie’s coupon, tweeting at all the stop lights to tell everybody on Twitter she can’t FIND her damn Bloomie’s coupon, applying the non-sticky variety of lipgloss, (to avoid being plagued by hair sticking to her mouth while driving, texting and rummaging) deciding if her stock portfolio is overweight in tech (AAPL) and wondering why the hell her manicure only lasted two days ...again.

If you want to get Hot Chick’s attention, you had better make it good, you had better make it quick, and you had better make it creative, because lest you forget, Hot Chick drives fast. Why shouldn’t she, nobody in their right mind would ever give her a ticket. The rules:

1. DON’T Honk, DON’T Whistle, DON’T make *kissy kissy* noises.
Hot Chick will assume you are not old enough to buy her drinks, or smart enough to know the correct mixology behind her favorite Cosmo - extra lime, shaken no fewer than 12 times behind your head. Ice chips. By the way, Hot Chick never makes her own Cosmos--YOU DO.

2. DO sing. Sing Loudly, Sing Badly. Here are three of many acceptable songs to sing to Hot Chick: You’re Beautiful, You are so Beautiful , And the song from Top Gun . I say to sing badly because if you don’t, Hot Chick will assume you do this all the time. Hot Chick can spot a Player from a very great distance. Pick an easy song so you don't screw it up.

3. DON’T ask "where’s the beach?"  unless you happen to be absolutely nowhere near a beach. Even then, you must have a large map draped over your steering wheel for this to be most effective. Hot Chick likes to be helpful because she thinks she knows everything.

4. DO throw that box of Godiva and Sueanne Shirzay Artisan earrings you bought for your Mom into her car with your business card attached. Remove note to Mom saying you hoped her liposuction was a great success.

5. DON’T talk THROUGH the mom in the minivan driving in the lane between you who has her windows open. 
This is not  GOLF, you cannot PLAY THROUGH to get to Hot Chick. 

6. DON’T tell her "her hair matches the leather upholstery".
It DOES, of course, but Hot Chick doesn’t care what you think of her hair. If she cared anything about her hair, she wouldn’t be driving a goddamn convertible in the first place.

7. DO wrap your business card in paper, make a plane out of it and throw it into Hot Chick’s  car. 
Hot Chick may assume you own a private jet, but you can clear that up later.

8. DON’T say *nice car* and DON’T ask *what year the car is*
She already knows it’s a nice car and doesn’t give a damn what year it is. 

9. DO ask her for directions, but only to the local spa because *You Need a Day of Beauty*

10. DON’T block Hot Chick from getting out of her parking spot.
Hot Chick has 911 programmed into her iphone, (under the contact name ASSHOLE), and she WILL use it. Plus every cop in town knows her, even though they have never actually spoken. You really don’t want to meet them today, do you?

11. DO Take off your T shirt, attach it to a golf club, and wave it at her as a gesture of surrender. ONLY do this if you happen to be wearing a white t shirt and have seen the inside of a gym regularly for the last 6 months or more.

12. DON’T ask her if she's married or seeing anyone.
Hot Chick, even if ultimately unavailable for you, knows two dozen or more Hot Chicks who ARE available. Some are even hotter than she is. Hot Chick is a gifted matchmaker.

13. DO make a small sign with a large heart on it , with the word LUNCH, NOW? written inside the heart. Show credit card so Hot Chick knows you don’t mean Mcdonald's. And smile. This works especially well on Valentine’s Day. PIE? may be substituted for LUNCH, NOW? only if there is a really great PIE STORE around. 

14. DON’T ask her if her Daddy bought the car for her
Hot Chick went to college, and her I.Q. makes yours like an effing Mets game score. She didn’t get to be a Hot Chick by being stupid. (note to self for next blog: why baseball is stupid)

15. DO throw your wallet into Hot Chick’s car. 
No, Hot Chick doesn’t need your money, as she already makes more than you. But nothing says I GIVE THE EFF UP, better than this. If said wallet contains any velcro though, it will promptly be thrown over her shoulder into the nearest storm sewer. So make sure it’s a nice one if you expect her to stop the car and return it to you.

16. DON’T say "Here Comes Trouble".
It’s just tacky to call Hot Chick by her middle name before you have been properly introduced. So don’t do it.

Good luck to you all. A BIG thank you to my talented photographer friend @shelibilavender on Twitter for a conversation we had that inspired to me to write this post, (LOL see #5) Her webiste: and all of my other convertible-driving Hot Chick posse. There are too many to name, I love you all. Mwah!