Saturday, February 20, 2010

Top 10 Reasons Not to be a Jerk.

1. It takes less energy to be nice. I'm a lazy b&%ch. When I'm feeling really lazy, I become even nicer. Naps are overrated. I'd rather be nice.
2. I wouldn't want to outjerk (insert name of philandering politician here)  Nobody should. Nobody could. But it might make for a fun reality show watching people try. Hmm. I guess that would be on after 10:00. 
3. I actually like people too much. Oooo. What a concept. Must be a genetic defect. Yawn. 
4. If I'm a jerk now, it'll be no fun when I'm 80. I'd be all jerked out. Old people are supposed to be jerks. And women who don't eat enough. I eat. Every day. Sometimes more than once a day.
5. I don't want my kids to grow up to be jerks. They outnumber me. 
6. I have a sneaking suspicion waiters spit in the food of jerks. I eat enough of my own saliva every day. 
7. Jerks hate themselves. I love myself. Wouldn't YOU? Blink. 
8. When you're a jerk on the internet, it gets sent out to millions of people. Then those people tweet, buzz, facebook, stumbleupon, and digg and myspace all of the waiters in your town and tell them to spit in your food. But I'm dwelling on saliva. 
9. Being a jerk is not economical. It causes wrinkles. You'll notice I don't have too many, and I'm olllld, dammit. This saves money on La Mer. Do you know how much La Mer costs now? It's ridiculous. At least nobody spits in it. 
10. Being a jerk interferes with creativity. It can be very hard to think up new words to every single top ten song and crack up your kids if you're a jerk. Hard to make the lady in the post office smile. Impossible to bring people up who are feeling down. Difficult to make a difference in people's lives every day. A challenge to experience and give love. Arduous trying to help a friend out of sadness. And really hard to get a good table at a restaurant. Sans Spit.