Saturday, October 10, 2009

Look! Up at the Mall! It's a Turd, It's a Pain! - It's SHOPPING MAN!

Faster than a speeding credit card swipe! More powerful than 5 Perfume-spraying Bitches! Able to leap over 10 shoe boxes in a single bound! 
Shopping is fun. Unless you are with SHOPPING MAN.  
Here are my Top Ten Reasons Never to Shop with a Man 

1. Shopping Man doesn't really think it's "shopping" unless he returns with a month's worth of steak, onions, garlic and generic black socks that *you* will lose in the dryer within the next 3 days anyway.  

2. Shopping Man would really rather be eating, sleeping, watching sports or having sex, or... all of the above simultaneously, than carrying your shopping bags for you. Shopping Man thinks your fitting room is a perfectly acceptable place to do all of the above.  

3. Shopping Man has interesting ideas of how you should look that are not based on any kind of reality. Why should it be up to him if you look like a nun, a slut, or a slutty nun knocking off the local 7-11 whilst blowing bubbles with bazooka gum?  I don't think so. 
4. Shopping Man has an annoying habit of asking the shopgirls at Bloomingdales and Anthropologie which aisle the Corona is in. It wasn't funny the first time, why would it be funny the twenty-third?  Or the seventy-eighth?
5. Shopping Man will eat a bag of artery clogging buttery pretzel nuggets while slurping down a chocolate shake and think you will let him touch you and/or your shopping bags. What good is Shopping Man if he can't heft your bags around? None to you.  

6. Shopping Man is clueless what the true cost of being high-maintenance for today's woman really is.  They will proudly whip out a $20 bill when it's time to pay for the Uggs. *disclaimer* Uggs are Ugly. I bought the cute ones, though. Let Shopping Man live in a pretend retail world. Leave him at home and never...NEVER... EVER .....let him see the Amex bill.  Or the paypal account you use to buy jewelry from my site (shamelessplug)

7. Shopping Man likes to say "don't you have one of those already", which, ladies is by law in several states a slappable offense. Yes, you DO have one of those already. You actually have THREE of those. And your point IS? ...Shopping Man? Don't make me hurt you.  

8. Shopping Man has a crazy notion you give a super hero flying crap about how you look to him. We all dress for women and ourselves anyway so we can tell each other how cute we are all day long. The sooner Shopping Man learns that, the better.  

9. Shopping Man is color blind. Shopping Man : "Gee, I liked you better in the blue one." Shopping Woman: "Honey, that one was red". Shopping Man: "Oh. That green one, then" .Shopping Woman:  "Honey that one is purple. VERY Purple". Shopping Man. "Oh". "  (Please_.  

10. Shopping Man is scared by loud noises and will actually try to TALK  to you in Abercrombie & Fitch to calm himself down. He does not understand that stores crank the music so that women do not have to LISTEN to what men SAAAY.   

Those are the top 10 reasons. There are so very many more. Any questions?  

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Of Mice and Monkeys: The Tonight Show Couch with Chris

For this week’s post, I was feeling a little curious, and okaaay -new for me- just plain lazyassed. I asked one of my favorite writers, lover of all things random, and trusted advisor who on occasion has helped me wade thru the briny rancid muck of the blogosphere- Chris Illuminati -a few really crucial questions I juuuust hadn’t gotten around to. The devilishly handsome, insanely funny and expectant father Chris Illuminati's ( @chrisilluminati ) blog can be found at

SS: If you were locked in a lab with a rat and a monkey for two weeks with no chance of escape , which one would hit the bunsen burner first?
CI: I'd die. I used to be an iron heart about stuff but we got a cat about two years ago and I'm a huge softy when animals are involved now. I couldn't watch I Am Legend because I knew the dog would die. Sorry. SPOILER ALERT. I can't watch those animal commercials with Sarah Mclachlan because they kill me. She is awful. Oh right, the animals are sad too. If I had to choose though, the rat, because the monkey would have taken power by then and I'd have to listen to him. 
SS: What made you laugh the loudest in the past month?
C.I. The Hangover. Great movie. In my personal life, my wife cracks me up. She emailed me the other day and said that people told her that if she has a lot of heartburn the baby will be very hairy. She said if that's the case we are having an orangutan.  That killed me. 

(note to self: Braun electric razors make GREAT babyshower gifts for new moms, as well as jewelry from Let the other schmucks buy the stroller) 

SS: Why do you think women were put on this Earth?
CI: Someone has to tell men what they are doing wrong. Constantly.  

SS: Does New Jersey really deserve to be a state? (why or why not)
CI: Of course it does. New Jersey gets such a raw deal and I blame MTV True Life and Judith Light. Thank god for the Real Housewives and Sopranos to tell it like it is in the Garden State.  
SS: Would you rather live in a world without books or magazines? Elaborate.
CI: Magazines. I just noticed this trend the other day with some of the magazines I read that they all do this thing where certain words are highlighted, some words are massive fonts in different colors. Some articles start on the same page another article ends. What the funk is going on in the publishing industry? Who is the Editor-in-Chief- Elmo? 

SS: Does anything embarass you and what is it?
CI: My mouth works faster than my mind and I trip over the easiest words in the English language. Usually 100 times a day. I can feel people waiting for me to finish a sentence and I can't because I'm hung up on a word like "lunch" or "tree". It's embarrassing and frustrating.  I feel like a 3rd grader during a phonics lesson. Ummm..uhhhh...lamp? 

SS: What is the best advice you can give to new writers?
CI: Don't, don't EVER give up. Let them say "no" two hundred times. It makes the yes feel like drugs. Anyone can be a success with a little talent and a ton of hard work. Hell, you can be a success with no talent and the write drive. 

SS: Where is the place you are happiest and why?
CI: If we are talking mental, that zone where you are writing and the entire world disappears. Could be minutes, could be hours. Nothing is happening around you and your mind is going "take these words and put them on the page now!" If it's a physical place, then it's home with my wife.  

SS: What one person on this planet do you think is a complete waste of space?
CI: Tough call. Like I think Perez Hilton is a waste because of how he made his name BUT I have to admire a guy who built a fortune with little talent. So, how about as a waste of space, anyone with immense talent that throws it all away. Here is an example; went to high school with a kid that had a natural talent at baseball. Born to play. Went to a huge school on a full scholarship. Came home after two months because he was "homesick". Played local, drank, did drugs and become the world's greatest pizza delivery boy. I've got no tolerance for those people. 

SS: If you had a chance to go back and do something over in your life, what would it be?
CI: In high school and college, I was lazy. I never joined groups or did anything extra-curricular except sports.  I think I was more scared of failure than really lazy but lazy sounds like a better excuse. 

SS: If you were reincarnated, what would you like to come back as?
CI: Someone interesting enough to be interviewed or the Tonight Show couch.  

SS: What kind of work would you like to do that you are not currently doing now?
CI: I want to write for a magazine at least once. Also because my parents don't understand blogging. They need something glossy with a photo on the cover. If I wasn't writing I think I'd be a teacher. I like kids and I always used to say "I'd be so much better than this boring bastard" in my high school and college courses.  

SS: If you never had to work another day in your life, what would you be doing?
CI: I'd learn to master all the things I'm terrible at now like fixing things around the house. I'd also learn how to really cook. Right now I'm average.  

SS: As an adult, what is the dumbest thing you ever said to somebody? 
CI: Oh please, I say something dumb once a day. It's a sickness. 

SS: What is your philosophy on life?
CI: Can I curse? 

SS: Duh, Yes. I swear on here. I swear alot. More than I should, perhaps, but who fucking cares? (disclaimer: my mother has no idea I have a blog...yet)

CI: If I can, my philosophy is "Fuck it". In the grand scheme of the world, nothing is that big of a deal. Time passes, things change. Don't get wrapped up in the present, it won't matter in the future.  If I can't curse, please change that fuck to screw. Thank you. 

Thank you, Chris  for being so entertaining, always helpful and not laughing at my newbie blog questions: i.e.” Duh, how do you put a hitcounter on a blog, duh huh?”