If I Were a Dude I’d Wanna Be Johnny Depp

Many of you have asked me about what YOU call my “Johnny Depp fixation”. I thought it was time to explain the lore behind  #whatwouldJohnnyDeppdo  -which is the phrase I often tweet on twitter and think aloud when ever I get perplexed by life’s daily dilemmas--you know, like which martini to try next at the all-you-can-drink martini buffet, which leg of my jeans I should put on first in the morning, or how to react when someone is ridiculously rude to me. This will also explain my relentless need to quote Johnny Depp. I am Him, He is Me, we are One, Ooommm, and all that shit. It’s a Zen thing. I’ve really just been quoting myself all along....

“You can feed hot dogs to the nurse sharks in the Exumas – but it’s best to not swim when doing it.” - JD

1. Johnny owns his own island and he will use it. 

In fact, I live on a small barrier island as well. Sure, there are 33,000 other people on it, none of whom can drive a car for crap. But I like to pretend like they all just work for me just so I can become one with my inner island-hopping Johnny. Especially when I see one of those golf carts driving by. #getarealcarbastard 

“If there's any message to my work, it is ultimately that it’s OK to be different, that it’s good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgment on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color.” -JD

2. Johnny doesn’t watch his own movies after making them.

A true artist isn't all that concerned with admiring the finished product, but is there to enjoy the process. I get that about Johnny and I’m exactly the same way. If I made movies and had to watch I’d be nervously twitching the whole time, thinking “Jeeesus, God! does my ass really look like that?  I’m never doing this again!”  I’d be out at the premiere bar the whole time, after having tricked my cousin to dress like me and be my seat holder. I’m sure he’s happy that people love his work. I’m thrilled that people like mine. It is very gratifying and humbling making people happy. But I don’t stare at it all day and tell myself how fabulous it is because I’m already onto creating the next necklace, painting, or pair of earrings. Shameless Plug: www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face. -JD

3. Johnny wears the same pair of boots all the time

Johnny is not afraid to be a non-fashionista. I am guilty of owning 8 different pairs of cowboy boots. I just keep buying more so people won’t think I’m a complete idiot, but basically they all look the same, and it’s about all I wear from October to May. Then I  rotate to 20 nearly identical pairs of flip flops and sandals in the spring and summer. I have friends who call and ask me what color is “in” for a certain season. I always tell them “the one that looks good on you”. But the beotches keep asking me every season anyway. This cracks me up.

4. Johnny can pee standing up

This doesn’t need much explanation. I’d be a dude. This would make a lot of things easier. I could figure out how to make fuel from carrots instead of waiting in line at the bathroom.

"It was like an endless parade of, like, 'What?!' - JD

5. Johnny has a cool sense of humor.

Ever try to talk about yourself with someone taking notes and working a recorder?  It’s almost impossible not to sound like a complete jackass. I know, I’ve done it a few times and wished I’d never opened my mouth. Johnny gives great interview.  Laughing at yourself is what makes life fun.  But we have the same sense of counterclockwise humor.

“I don't pretend to be captain weird. I just do what I do.” -JD

6. Johnny looks like THAT

 I’d love to get up, not have to put on any makeup, and look smokin’ hot. The man is beautiful. Sure, I’ve been told I didn’t exactly get hit by the ugly stick, but I ain’t all that. Johnny is all that and change. 

7. Johnny gets to be a pirate and act drunk, while maintaining a kickass work ethic

Sure, come Saturday night I usually try to do my best imitation, but the local bars no longer appreciate me swinging from the curtains and usually assign a bouncer to watch me right when I come in the door. If I was Johnny they’d just say “Oh, look, Johnny’s here. Guinness, Mr. Depp?” 

“There's a drive in me that won't allow me to do certain things that are easy- JD

8. Johnny is true to himself

Lastly, this is the quality that I find most endearing in people who can actually pull it off, particularly Johnny Depp.  Not many can. Johnny does it the best. All I can do is try.