Of Mice and Monkeys: The Tonight Show Couch with Chris

For this week’s post, I was feeling a little curious, and okaaay -new for me- just plain lazyassed. I asked one of my favorite writers, lover of all things random, and trusted advisor who on occasion has helped me wade thru the briny rancid muck of the blogosphere- Chris Illuminati -a few really crucial questions I juuuust hadn’t gotten around to. The devilishly handsome, insanely funny and expectant father Chris Illuminati's ( @chrisilluminati ) blog can be found at www.chrisilluminati.com

SS: If you were locked in a lab with a rat and a monkey for two weeks with no chance of escape , which one would hit the bunsen burner first?

CI: I'd die. I used to be an iron heart about stuff but we got a cat about two years ago and I'm a huge softy when animals are involved now. I couldn't watch I Am Legend because I knew the dog would die. Sorry. SPOILER ALERT. I can't watch those animal commercials with Sarah Mclachlan because they kill me. She is awful. Oh right, the animals are sad too. If I had to choose though, the rat, because the monkey would have taken power by then and I'd have to listen to him. 

 

SS: What made you laugh the loudest in the past month?

C.I. The Hangover. Great movie. In my personal life, my wife cracks me up. She emailed me the other day and said that people told her that if she has a lot of heartburn the baby will be very hairy. She said if that's the case we are having an orangutan.  That killed me. 

(note to self: Braun electric razors make GREAT babyshower gifts for new moms, as well as jewelry from www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com Let the other schmucks buy the stroller) 

SS: Why do you think women were put on this Earth?

CI: Someone has to tell men what they are doing wrong. Constantly.  

SS: Does New Jersey really deserve to be a state? (why or why not)

CI: Of course it does. New Jersey gets such a raw deal and I blame MTV True Life and Judith Light. Thank god for the Real Housewives and Sopranos to tell it like it is in the Garden State.  

SS: Would you rather live in a world without books or magazines? Elaborate.

CI: Magazines. I just noticed this trend the other day with some of the magazines I read that they all do this thing where certain words are highlighted, some words are massive fonts in different colors. Some articles start on the same page another article ends. What the funk is going on in the publishing industry? Who is the Editor-in-Chief- Elmo? 

SS: Does anything embarass you and what is it?

CI: My mouth works faster than my mind and I trip over the easiest words in the English language. Usually 100 times a day. I can feel people waiting for me to finish a sentence and I can't because I'm hung up on a word like "lunch" or "tree". It's embarrassing and frustrating.  I feel like a 3rd grader during a phonics lesson. Ummm..uhhhh...lamp? 

SS: What is the best advice you can give to new writers?

CI: Don't, don't EVER give up. Let them say "no" two hundred times. It makes the yes feel like drugs. Anyone can be a success with a little talent and a ton of hard work. Hell, you can be a success with no talent and the write drive. 

SS: Where is the place you are happiest and why?

CI: If we are talking mental, that zone where you are writing and the entire world disappears. Could be minutes, could be hours. Nothing is happening around you and your mind is going "take these words and put them on the page now!" If it's a physical place, then it's home with my wife.  

SS: What one person on this planet do you think is a complete waste of space?

CI: Tough call. Like I think Perez Hilton is a waste because of how he made his name BUT I have to admire a guy who built a fortune with little talent. So, how about as a waste of space, anyone with immense talent that throws it all away. Here is an example; went to high school with a kid that had a natural talent at baseball. Born to play. Went to a huge school on a full scholarship. Came home after two months because he was "homesick". Played local, drank, did drugs and become the world's greatest pizza delivery boy. I've got no tolerance for those people. 

SS: If you had a chance to go back and do something over in your life, what would it be?

CI: In high school and college, I was lazy. I never joined groups or did anything extra-curricular except sports.  I think I was more scared of failure than really lazy but lazy sounds like a better excuse. 

SS: If you were reincarnated, what would you like to come back as?

CI: Someone interesting enough to be interviewed or the Tonight Show couch.  

SS: What kind of work would you like to do that you are not currently doing now?

CI: I want to write for a magazine at least once. Also because my parents don't understand blogging. They need something glossy with a photo on the cover. If I wasn't writing I think I'd be a teacher. I like kids and I always used to say "I'd be so much better than this boring bastard" in my high school and college courses.  

SS: If you never had to work another day in your life, what would you be doing?

CI: I'd learn to master all the things I'm terrible at now like fixing things around the house. I'd also learn how to really cook. Right now I'm average.  

SS: As an adult, what is the dumbest thing you ever said to somebody? 

CI: Oh please, I say something dumb once a day. It's a sickness. 

SS: What is your philosophy on life?

CI: Can I curse? 

SS: Duh, Yes. I swear on here. I swear alot. More than I should, perhaps, but who fucking cares? (disclaimer: my mother has no idea I have a blog...yet)

CI: If I can, my philosophy is "Fuck it". In the grand scheme of the world, nothing is that big of a deal. Time passes, things change. Don't get wrapped up in the present, it won't matter in the future.  If I can't curse, please change that fuck to screw. Thank you. 

Thank you, Chris  for being so entertaining, always helpful and not laughing at my newbie blog questions: i.e.” Duh, how do you put a hitcounter on a blog, duh huh?”