Look! Up at the Mall! It's a Turd, It's a Pain! - It's SHOPPING MAN!
Faster than a speeding credit card swipe! More powerful than 5 Perfume-spraying Bitches! Able to leap over 10 shoe boxes in a single bound! Shopping is fun. Unless you are with SHOPPING MAN. Here are my Top Ten Reasons Never to Shop with a Man
1. Shopping Man doesn't really think it's "shopping" unless he returns with a month's worth of steak, onions, garlic and generic black socks that *you* will lose in the dryer within the next 3 days anyway.
2. Shopping Man would really rather be eating, sleeping, watching sports or having sex, or... all of the above simultaneously, than carrying your shopping bags for you. Shopping Man thinks your fitting room is a perfectly acceptable place to do all of the above.
3. Shopping Man has interesting ideas of how you should look that are not based on any kind of reality. Why should it be up to him if you look like a nun, a slut, or a slutty nun knocking off the local 7-11 whilst blowing bubbles with bazooka gum? I don't think so.
4. Shopping Man has an annoying habit of asking the shopgirls at Bloomingdales and Anthropologie which aisle the Corona is in. It wasn't funny the first time, why would it be funny the twenty-third? Or the seventy-eighth?
5. Shopping Man will eat a bag of artery clogging buttery pretzel nuggets while slurping down a chocolate shake and think you will let him touch you and/or your shopping bags. What good is Shopping Man if he can't heft your bags around? None to you.
6. Shopping Man is clueless what the true cost of being high-maintenance for today's woman really is. They will proudly whip out a $20 bill when it's time to pay for the Uggs. *disclaimer* Uggs are Ugly. I bought the cute ones, though. Let Shopping Man live in a pretend retail world. Leave him at home and never...NEVER... EVER .....let him see the Amex bill. Or the paypal account you use to buy jewelry from my site www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com (shamelessplug)
7. Shopping Man likes to say "don't you have one of those already", which, ladies is by law in several states a slappable offense. Yes, you DO have one of those already. You actually have THREE of those. And your point IS? ...Shopping Man? Don't make me hurt you.
8. Shopping Man has a crazy notion you give a super hero flying crap about how you look to him. We all dress for women and ourselves anyway so we can tell each other how cute we are all day long. The sooner Shopping Man learns that, the better.
9. Shopping Man is color blind. Shopping Man : "Gee, I liked you better in the blue one." Shopping Woman: "Honey, that one was red". Shopping Man: "Oh. That green one, then" .Shopping Woman: "Honey that one is purple. VERY Purple". Shopping Man. "Oh". " (Please_.
10. Shopping Man is scared by loud noises and will actually try to TALK to you in Abercrombie & Fitch to calm himself down. He does not understand that stores crank the music so that women do not have to LISTEN to what men SAAAY.
Those are the top 10 reasons. There are so very many more. Any questions?