Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Top Ten Reasons No Self-Respecting Bitch Will Follow You On Twitter

1. You tweet about your favorite sexual positions, you're a woman, and you teach first grade in my child's school.

2. Your avatar looks like it could actually chop up my avatar and put it in little plastic baggies all over New York.

3. You have proclaimed yourself God of Twitter, you never engage and you just spit out boring information all day, usually about yourself, how white your teeth are, or how much money you made in the last 15 minutes.

4. You tweet like all you want out of Twitter is to get laid. And you provide reports for the rest of us. Which you expect us to grade. By 4:00 Friday each week. With highlighter. Pink. 

5. You're @KanyeWest 

6. You tweet only Zig Ziglar quotes and you are nooo freakin' relation to Zig Ziglar. *disclaimer* Nobody should be related to Zig Ziglar, and if you are, get the Hell off Twitter, please?

7. You spew out political beliefs that are so nuts they actually make me laugh, or throw things at my monitor. You argue with those who are way smarter with you. Most of the people you argue with can actually spell. Unlike you. 

8. You are trying to convert me into your cult-- law of subtraction, addition, multiplication or  whatever the fuck that is.

9. You look like 3 of my ex-boyfriends. The ones who wanted to get married. 

10. You put hearts, flowers and ping pong matches within your tweets. This causes gastrointestinal distress. Stop it. I can't type if I'm puking. And I can't puke if I'm typing. 


  1. LOL!! This is funny, especially #3! I am so sick of the self proclaimed "God's of Twitter" who come to earth (or at least online) to grace us with their presence!!

  2. Oh, girlfriend. You are soooo right-on. I just had to unfollow some bitch who tweeted every fucking five seconds. I so don't give a shit about how white her teeth are. Funny, funny post, Suzanne.

  3. OH MY..... i can only say that it has been fermenting!!! you said a lot!!!

  4. LMFAO. CBS really blew it when they decided to make a TV show out of @shitmydadsays instead of your blog. That guy's funny, but you are BRILLIANT.

  5. God that was funny! Thanks for the genuine laughter. Your honesty and openness is truly refreshing! Love it! I can't choose which one is my favorite, #7 or maybe #10!

  6. LOL, super funny, gonna retweet :)

  7. You should have added 11 - the overabundance of cleavage, real, or imagined. 12. You retweet every blasted thing someone equally stupid has tweeted. and the ever present and very important 13. Your incessant tweets blow up Twitter and then I can't hawk my own site, which btw is totally amazing. ROFLMAO - I bow to the master...