10 Things You Can Say To Your 13-Year-Old Girl Without Receiving the Death Stare.

I remember being thirteen. And now... now I am living with that version of myself since September. It's scary. I'm here to help others who are in my predicament. Here. Are. Ten things you can say to your thirteen-year-old daughter without receiving the "go to Hell, Mom", death glare. This is all I have. If you think of any more, please let me know. 

1. Sure honey. You can take the credit card to the Mall. The one with no limit.

2. Of course we like your boyfriend. 

3. Can you ever really have too many safety pins in an outfit?

4. Yes, you may re-pierce your ears for the fourth time. 

5. No, there really is no reason to see the floor of your bedroom.

6. That's ok. Your hair is more important than being on time for school

7. That outfit is so creative. I love it.

8. Something that she can't hear because her ipod is too loud.

9. Yes. All nine of your friends can come over. 

10. Like, oh, my God? You're so right? 

Cleaver Madness

Holidays are tough for everyone . Sometimes it helps to let off a little steam when staring down the barrel of a ...gun I like to call "a visit from my parents", Ward and June. For those of you too young to get the reference-- these were the superstraight parents in the 50's show Leave it to Beaver. Hell no, I wasn't born in the fifties, but they ran reruns of that show forever. And, when you only have 8 channels to watch on TV as a kid, you'll watch just about anything. including fly fishing and Leave it To Beaver. 

I was hanging out Cleaver bashing with a couple of my Twitter friends, including the hysterical @croneandbearit and, well.. this is what happened. 

Disclaimer *no actual patrents were Cleavered in the ensuing tweets. 

@sueannesjewelry  Factoid: 4:00 is NOT too early to start drinking when June and Ward are visiting

@Croneandbearit: Make them Cleaverinis

@sueannejewelry ROTFL

@DietCokeLuvah : Cheers

@TheShoeDawg Wally, Beav, Eddie...it's happy hour 

@yaslani   Cosign that. I started 1hr ago

@heavywhisper  Ha! Hilarious. I think I know them

@Croneandbearit  u started my coughing fit w/June & Ward. I'm in hysterics over here. 

Croneandbearit   I'm goin' after some gin and goldfish; leave a tray and the Cleavers can fix their own...lol

@sueannesjewelry If June and Ward had a daughter, what would her name be?

@Croneandbearit Leaver

@Croneandbearit if she drinks it might be Heaver 

@sueannesjewelry wiping tears

@sueannesjewelry If she was slutty, *the skeeve* ?

@Croneandbearit don't start, I just lost a lung a moment ago

@Croneandbearit   Catch her at the window...*the peeve* #Cleaversdaughter

@sueannesjewelry bad day at the hair salon *the Weave* 

@Croneandbearit   If she wears hair extension from Jessica Simpson collection...*the weave* #Cleaversdaughter 

Croneandbearit    Yikes we are thinking too much alike there girl!

@sueannesjewelry  OH MY GAH! We had the same thought. #upyourmeds #now

Croneandbearit   If they always have to go get her...*Retrieve* #Cleaversdaughter 

@sueannesjewelry  Or.. If she dates dogs 

@sueannesjewelry  If she got busted for murder? *HideThe* #Cleaversdaughter 

@Croneandbearit  You're killin me #ineedmorebooze

@Croneandbearit   If she gets that stay of execution...*Reprieve* #Cleaversdaughter 

@sueannesjewelry   If not.. *Grieve*

@sueannesjewelry What if she IS a dog.. *Retriever* #Cleaversdaughter 

@sueannesjewelry   If she's a blonde, add *Golden* 

@Chasaveen: If she cheated on her spouse the Deceiver? 

@Croneandbearit   If she tp's the house *Mischiever* #Cleaversdaughter 

@Chasaveen If she loves The Monkees, *Imabeliever*? 

@Croneandbearit   wait if Kiefer Sutherland married into the family would he be Kiefer Cleaver?

@sueannesjewelry  *clapping hand to mouth*

@Chasaveen  If she gets Swine Flu *Fever* 

@Croneandbearit crosses legs to keep from peeing

@sueannesjewelry   (or.. If she's HOT! ) 

@Croneandbearit If she moves to Canada, *Beaver Minor* 

@sueannesjewelry Screech!!! A Canada joke! Helllppp! 

@sueannesjewelry  If she looks like Frankenstein, *pullthelever* #Cleaversdaughter

@sueannesjewelry if she's a carnivore *Meat* #Cleaversdaughter

@Croneandbearit  Heee hee hee 

@Croneandbearit   if she's a pothead.*Reefer* #Cleaversdaughter 

@Croneandbearit    if Morley Safer's daughter married the Beav, would she be Mrs. Beaver Safer-Cleaver?

Happy Holidays! Linda's @croneandbearit blog can be found here : http://croneandbearit.wordpress.com/

The Seven Deadly DM Sins

Twitter Sinners! Are you heading straight to Twitter haaiil in a DM handbasket? It's not too late to pull your shit together! Here are the Seven Deadly DM Sins:

Lust: Try not to say anything in a DM that you wouldn't actually say to someone's face. Note: If it wouldn't make a nun blush it's best to say it in public on the timeline. That said, over-doing it is a quick and easy way to get blocked. I said blush, not call 911. 

Gluttony: It's best to talk about pie and the best french onion soup you ever had in public. We can allll tell when you're not sharing. But you CAN show us a picture of the $700 Kooba bag your husband is not supposed to know about. That's cool. Wink.

Sloth: Jesus... would you put a clean shirt on? Don't make your public comments so obscure we have no idea what you are talking about. Clarify what you meant by your mysterious @ reply on the timeline in DM when asked... WHAT THE HELL DID THAT MEAN? 

Wrath: Oh...could you just be nice in your DMs... or F*ck off? That being said, it's perfectly acceptable for texting. : ) 

Greed: If we don't know you, why would we want to be in your mafia family or look at your potentially hacked sales link? Don't sell us unless you already know we want what you have. Make friends before sales. Shameless Plug: www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com : my artisan jewelry site. 

Anger: telling somebody to f*ck off more than twice in a single DM is waaay over the top. Twice per 140 is the limit. And say it with a smile. : ) 

Pride: If you are lost, and you think we have the answer, (I usually do, DUH) ask for help in a DM. We are all helpful here. Just don't ask me personally to help you find your way out of the Mall. This I cannot do. 

Thank you to my friends @JesusWife and @DebbieDee5 for inspiring me to write this little DM Directory,  Love you guys. : ) 

Top Ten Reasons No Self-Respecting Bitch Will Follow You On Twitter

1. You tweet about your favorite sexual positions, you're a woman, and you teach first grade in my child's school.

2. Your avatar looks like it could actually chop up my avatar and put it in little plastic baggies all over New York.

3. You have proclaimed yourself God of Twitter, you never engage and you just spit out boring information all day, usually about yourself, how white your teeth are, or how much money you made in the last 15 minutes.

4. You tweet like all you want out of Twitter is to get laid. And you provide reports for the rest of us. Which you expect us to grade. By 4:00 Friday each week. With highlighter. Pink. 

5. You're @KanyeWest 

6. You tweet only Zig Ziglar quotes and you are nooo freakin' relation to Zig Ziglar. *disclaimer* Nobody should be related to Zig Ziglar, and if you are, get the Hell off Twitter, please?

7. You spew out political beliefs that are so nuts they actually make me laugh, or throw things at my monitor. You argue with those who are way smarter with you. Most of the people you argue with can actually spell. Unlike you. 

8. You are trying to convert me into your cult-- law of subtraction, addition, multiplication or  whatever the fuck that is.

9. You look like 3 of my ex-boyfriends. The ones who wanted to get married. 

10. You put hearts, flowers and ping pong matches within your tweets. This causes gastrointestinal distress. Stop it. I can't type if I'm puking. And I can't puke if I'm typing. 

Top Ten Reasons Not To Give a Flying F*ck About 620 Calories

This... is a Pecan Roll From Au Bon Pain. That's French for "Oh, My GODDDD!" 

1. 620 calories never cared about you, did they, Huh, HUH? Well, DID THEY? 

2. You can't see your thighs if you Just..don't..look...down.

3. They won't help you find your ipod headphones

4. They won't help you stop breaking wine glasses in the sink 

5. If you didn't support the sugar industry the people in the Dominican Republic would have slightly worse living conditions. You just helped somebody patch their rusted tin roof. Philanthropy is Good.

6. There has to be justification for you to have a treadmill in the basement. Other than hanging bras on.

7. If you cut them into four they are only a measly 155 calories. 

8. ...and you can lie and say the dog ate the other 465 calories 

9. There are nuts involved. Nuts are healthy, Dammit.

10. 620 calories is Waaaay freakin' less calories than eating an entire pie. #ilikepie 

Coffee Tawk

I Found God

At the bottom of my coffee pot

Where the grounds lay mocking me

All Alone

Chewing my last bubblegum

I said "Where you been?" 

He said "Ask anything"

(to the tune of the Fray's "You Found Me" )

I recently took a little survey among my *eyeroll* legions and legions of twitter friends. "Would you rather live in a world without coffee or chocolate? " I just love asking stupid and annoying questions. If for no other reason than the stupid and annoying responses I get are easily TWICE as stupid and annoying as the original question posed. 
As I already made myself a cup this morning and--true to form--lost it somewhere in the house before it was even cool enough to drink, I thought it would be a good time to, well, talk caffeine.

I happen to be married to a tea drinker, for starters. Yeah, I know what you're thinking- "Jesus, God, Sueanne, not only did you marry someone who doesn't like PIE, #ilovepie but he won't even drink COFFEE?! How did this happen??!! I know, I know and... no, he won't drink coffee unless it just happens to taste like tea. Opposites attract. #gofigure . He has many other redeeming qualities. I digress. So... when I make a pot of coffee, guess what? I'll be drinking alone again. 

This drinking an entire pot of coffee business really can't be healthy, but that didn't stop me from ordering coffee from my friend @suesshirtshop http://twitter.com/suesshirtshop on Twitter, which gets delivered in handy single pot servings every other month. It's called Javafit, and no, nobody's paying me to rant about them. Here's the deal though. This coffee has vitamins in it. And antioxidants, energy boosters other than the caffeine, and all that other crap that Oprah always says is so good for you. How cool is that shit, I ask you. It's very cool. Guilt free. And it tastes really good. 

As far as my survey went, not surprisingly, most of the women who answered would absolutely not give up their chocolate. A few shrieked at me for making them choose. Guess what? I WOULD NOT GIVE UP COFFEE. Only one guy said he'd take the chocolate over coffee, but frankly, he's crazy anyway and probably just said that to goad me and get slapped around. 

That's all I have for now. I REALLY need to find my coffee cup. Can't make the jewelry without it.http://www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch.

As I stated in my post from 7/19 , *Nurturing Your Inner Bitch* Being bitchy is a very positive character attribute and I would encourage more men and women to rejoice in their bitchiness. 

I am teaming up with Bitchogram, a service that allows you to anonymously text and email bitchy remarks (though, frankly, I sign mine) -> see ad to the right , because I think it’s a hilariously good fit for me and of course, part of the proceeds will benefit my love for jewelrymaking, www.sueanneshirzay.etsy.com and keep me knee deep in pie. #ilovepie

The following are a short list of suggested Bitchograms, culled from a variety of sources, because, let’s face it, some of you are just too damn nice for your own good and you seriously need my help. 

Bitchograms to Boys from Girls:

* I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

* Don't think of it as losing, think of it as getting beat by a girl

* I'm not a tease, I’m just a reminder of what you can't have 

* It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt 

* It takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend my middle finger and tell you to bite me. 

* Everyone’s entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the privilege

* How about never? Is never good for you?

* Click your heels and say "I NEED A LIFE, I NEED A LIFE"

* I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

 Bitchograms to Girls from either Girls or Boys : 

* Good friends will help you move. REALLY good friends will help you move bodies." 

* I am NOT a Bitch, I only play one on Twitter

* I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

* When I’m faced with a difficult task, pass it on to a lazy person like you and you’ll figure out an easier way to accomplish it. 

* A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be in the next cell saying "that was fucking awesome!” 

* Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 

* Roses are red violets are blue 

sugar is sweet and so are you, 

but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead 

the sugar bowls empty and so is your head 

* Your friends are worth more than you think--$5.99 at least

* Kirstie Alley called. She wants her ass back. Meet me at the Gym at 7 a.m.

That’s it. You’re Welcome. If any of you are interested in adding Bitchogram to your own blog/website please leave your info with me at shirzaygallery@aol.com.